Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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