Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
