then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
