she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
