I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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