Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
