her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
