Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
