I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
