Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
