so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
