we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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