Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
