Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
