he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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