She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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