I think I won the penis lottery.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
