he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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