My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
