Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize