My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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