Will you blow on my dice?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
