i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
