I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
