my vag is so smooth its legendary
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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