so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
