dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
