I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
