there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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