dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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