somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
