I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
