Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
