Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You smell like a Billy Joel song
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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