By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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