There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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