I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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