shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize