it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
