It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
