who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
