I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Buhtt sex?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
