Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
