I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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