so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
