I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
