I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
