Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
