Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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