Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
