I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
