Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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