I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
