I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize