My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
