So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
