I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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