How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
