I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
