Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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