I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize