omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
